living in big lies*
lie 1: i must meet certain standards to feel good about myself!
i always felt that i had to meet certain stardards expected from me thus causing me to have a strong fear of failure, desire to do everything perfectly, withdrawing from challenging opportunities coz of failure. but now i learnt that God loves me for who i am and not what i do! :)
lie 2:i must be approved and accepted by certain people in my life to feel good about myself!
always wanting to join in the crowd and never wanted to be left alone, gave me fear of rejection by friends, attempting to please others, being overly sensitive to criticism, spending most time alone, fearful of what people say about me. however, with better understanding, i am totally and completely accepted by God and no longer have to fear of rejection from people.
i have been sadly living in these two lies for a long time, it's time to wake up and make a difference...

a love that i desire*
emptiness is a hated feeling. i have been longing for human love to fill that emptiness. but i was proven wrong. i tried, i got all the love and care and concern i wanted but no! something was still missing. for the past month i was down due to the exams. i was too caught up by worldy issues that i forgot why i was even born to this earth for. suddenly i had a strong desire for my earthly treasures forgetting where my true treasures are stored. even though i tried to maintain a balance with studying and God it didnt work the ratio was 9:1 respectively. that was how terrible i was. after my exams i was relief but still fearful of my result, when i got it back i was near to tears but found no reason to cry reason being coz i totally forgot God in the whole process, i deserve what i got. yeah i may have prayed before papers, did my quiet time at night but i guess it just wasnt sincere. things may not have been a smooth road for me this past month but now i understand why. all coz i left God totally out of my life. after a painful lesson learnt, i woke up this morning went early to help with worship during chapel. somehow could feel his presence in the class today as the class was more united than usual. as i sang, i was facing the window looking out at the sky! as one of my friend reminded me before that God is the sky as he is big and has no end to his everlasting love. time for me to start anew stop worrying so much coz all it does it more hurt and self-pity. i can decide whether i want to wake up with a smile or a frown and i have decided a smile! :) and now the emptiness is beginning to fill again...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me
--avalon